So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
