dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
