they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
