God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
