the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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