people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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