and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
