Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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