home. puking in laundry basket.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
