you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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