Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
