I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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