I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
