I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
