He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
