so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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