Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
3pm strippers are depressing
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
