its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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