I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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