Im at strip club and am horny
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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