I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
