apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
