How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
