Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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