Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
