Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we're so committed to being not committed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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