I just threw up on my dentist
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
