I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
