how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I deserve this hangover.