my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.