If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
