If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
