She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
