Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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