Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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