i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
