sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
