Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I met the friendliest cop last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
