I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
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Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.