im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?