the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.