lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
