You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
