I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
