what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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