i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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