awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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