the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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