We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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