my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
