Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
