I wish I could teleport
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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