Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need water and some morals
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
