I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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