I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
