I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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