Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
