Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
