who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
