She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
