definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
