a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
And then he peed in my hair
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