I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
