Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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